i love it when you judge my marriage!
If you really want to annoy me, make a judgment call about a couple’s marriage based on the amount of time they’ve been married.
What do I mean?
I mean, it bothers me that some folks out there will paint a broad stroke over young couples and assume they’re all naive to the ways, stresses, and challenges of the marriage world because they’ve been married for less than some predetermined amount of time that qualifies couples as “experienced”.
Case in point:
I was in a conversation with a handful of young couples, including a few engaged couples, and a couple that has been married for probably 20 years. At one point, the lady-component of the older couple made a comment about financial stress in marriage and in parenting, then stated that none of the rest of us could understand because, “you’re all just babies”. (She meant we’re young, not whiners or lacking potty training.)
I responded with, “My wife and I used to be at each other’s throats over money,” lest we forget the Pillow Fight. “But we committed to working through that. Now we experience unity in that area and don’t deal with the stress it used to cause.”
It really bothered me that someone would categorically assign a judgment about the couples represented there simply because the individuals were younger – both in age and in marriage.
It’s kind of like the people who assume that because someone hasn’t worked in a particular career for 15 years that they aren’t able to provide as much value as someone who has. I’ve met people who’ve worked in a career field for 35 years and been so ineffective at their jobs and unable to think independently that I really had to wonder how they kept themselves from the chopping block. I’ve also met people who are so committed to and passionate about what they do, that they’ve accomplished in five years what it takes many to do in 20.
I’m certainly not saying that time isn’t an important recipe in building experience. It definitely is. But let’s not make the mistake of assuming – and you know what they say about assuming – that you can’t have extraordinary experiences that allow for exceptional growth and maturity in a limited amount of time.
Another case in point:
My friend married a young couple last summer. He was 29 and she was 23. Two months after I do he finds out he has a brain tumor that requires extensive surgery. Fortunately, the doctors were able to remove all the bad, leave all the good, and it appears he’s going to recover just fine.
But, you can’t tell me that they haven’t experienced some significant, marriage-galvanizing stuff. Further, if my judgmental friend (and she really was a sweet lady, I should attest) met them, asked how long they’ve been married, heard it was less than a year, and called them “babies”, she’d have no clue that really she was the baby.
An admission of guilt:
I say all this only to end with a big fat asterisk next to everything: I judge people, too.
We all do it. Call it a defect of the human condition. We allow ourselves to generalize and make blanket statements in our brains in order to keep everything we store in there more organized.
However, I’ve judged enough books by their covers, only to be totally misled after seeing what’s inside, that I’m trying my best to focus on the experiences of others.
You know what I’m finding? There are a lot of people I meet that have had some wild experiences! And I can learn from their experiences, too, which may be the greatest hallmark of the wise:
To learn from the experiences of other’s – particularly their mistakes.
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This is so true. My husband and I have been married for going on seven years now. We are passionate about making our marriage successful (getting naked helps, by the way). We’ve often talked about being marriage/family coaches, but know that our age slaps us with instant judgment on how much we must know. It’s sad that I get slammed with the naive card when I talk about how we don’t need a prenup and I’m not scared to go into a partnership with him.
Our number one goal from day one has been to make this marriage work. It takes a daily renewal of vows, a daily choice to love, and a daily challenge to humble yourself enough to serve another. And I’m grateful every day that I have my best friend by my side, that I can say anything on my heart, and know that we can take it on together as a team.
Each and every couple faces their own personal battles–they bring in their own history and they bring in their own preconceived notions–to assume that age is the only factor in gaining experience is to assume that grain is the only ingredient that goes into bread. It’s one component in a recipe–and requires much more to take it from grain to the yummy bread. (bad analogy, but you get the concept!)
Ashley – thanks for such a great expression of how time doesn’t equate with experience (or value someone could add). To be married for seven years and still feel inadequate in the eyes of others is unfortunate; you and your husband have accomplished a lot by sticking to that commitment to always make it work.
I’d like to encourage you not to let the perceptions of others dissuade you from pursuing something you’re passionate about, like helping other married couples.
A few years ago, I was working as a financial coach and I had a husband and wife come in for counsel. Through teary eyes and embarrassment associated with a spending addiction, the older woman stopped herself long enough to say, “How old are you?” It turned out I was just a year older than her son. I asked her, “Is my age going to be a problem for you?” As this point, the husband piped up and said, “I don’t care how old you are, so long as you can help us!”
Those that need people like you and your husband aren’t interested in a big number next to “Years Married”; they’re interested in people who have a heart, a desire, and a measure of experience to draw from that can help them.
Thanks so much for sharing openly!
Ashley – thanks for such a great expression of how time doesn’t equate with experience (or value someone could add). To be married for seven years and still feel inadequate in the eyes of others is unfortunate; you and your husband have accomplished a lot by sticking to that commitment to always make it work.
I’d like to encourage you not to let the perceptions of others dissuade you from pursuing something you’re passionate about, like helping other married couples.
A few years ago, I was working as a financial coach and I had a husband and wife come in for counsel. Through teary eyes and embarrassment associated with a spending addiction, the older woman stopped herself long enough to say, “How old are you?” It turned out I was just a year older than her son. I asked her, “Is my age going to be a problem for you?” As this point, the husband piped up and said, “I don’t care how old you are, so long as you can help us!”
Those that need people like you and your husband aren’t interested in a big number next to “Years Married”; they’re interested in people who have a heart, a desire, and a measure of experience to draw from that can help them.
Thanks so much for sharing openly!
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